Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
