I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
