they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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