apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
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he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
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He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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