Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
