I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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