Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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