Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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