I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
