last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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