I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
