roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
