This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
