I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
