I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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