I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
