I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
