Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
