i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.