On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
