I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
