Acid is not a monday night drug
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
