don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
