Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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