i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
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He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
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Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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