just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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