you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
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