an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
