I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
