I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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