just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
