why didn't you poke me back
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
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I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
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Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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