"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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