Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
