My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
