I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
