Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
