I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
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Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
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I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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