before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
