Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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