I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
