I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
