The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
