Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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