He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
