Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
