hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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