I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
