roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
