The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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