the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
