your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
