You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
