Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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