if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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