I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
