i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
