It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We are all done wearing pants today
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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