i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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